emma's to do

A running list of my to do's before I leave New York. Both neighborhood and non-neighborhood specific.

places to go

• Gowanus Yacht Club

things to see

• The Statue of Liberty

things to do

• Find and buy a bike

goals to accomplish

• Apply to art school

this weekend in brooklyn

i finally have a home

It's been a while. I last posted two weeks ago. In the time since, I moved into my new BoCoCa apartment!

I love it. Really. I really, really love it. Everything about it. I love the neighborhood. I love the apartment itself. I love the streets, my view of lower Manhattan over the water, the air, and all of the fun stuff that this part of Brooklyn has to offer. I'm still unpacking and getting settled, but all should be well very soon.

Katie is still getting adjusted. A new friend, Bobby, found us all of the dog parks in the area. My new hood has everything I need! Have I mentioned that I'm in love with where I live?

time to hope

I spoke with William yesterday for about 30 minutes before bed. It was a nice conversation about his aunt passing, my brother heading out for bootcamp, and how going to the grocery store isn't fun with his roommates ("strangers" he calls them) but is fun with me.

Today, 24 hours later, I'm still thinking about the phone call and how I wish I could talk to him every day. Correction, how I wish I could be with him every day. And because I can't get him out of my mind, I am ever more convinced that we can't be friends. Not now anyway. I need to move on because he is moving on.

With the death of his aunt, I can't help but question why we are both moving on. Why? I love him. He says he loves me, and time seems so short.

But he needs time. Things just got too bad. He upset me, and I upset him back. I pushed him too far away. He needs time to find his way back.

He sent me a text message a couple of weeks ago after we had our last discussion about "us." He asked how I knew what was going to happen in the future. I said that I didn't know, but I hoped. I hoped for us to be together. I hoped that we would find our way back to dinner in our kitchen, long walks with our dog, and adventures in growing old--together. He sent me a text message that night before he went to sleep that said, "I do hope." Why are we both wasting our time hoping when we could be working on making us work?

i'm a comfort eater

I've been eating like a cow lately. A cow in need of some extra comfort. Yes, me. I comfort eat, and I didn't even know it. I just can't get food out of my mind. I can't sit on the couch at Madison's for five minutes without a consumable item in my hand.

It's not just any food I'm looking for. I want cupcakes, ice cream, hot chocolate, tea, coffee, cookies, french fries, Southern cooking, Chinese food--any food that I associate good times and/or people I love with. This is how I know it's comfort eating. For me, it's about the emotions behind the food.

I'm scheduled to move into my first New York apartment next weekend. BoCoCa, Brooklyn really, but who's keeping track? I can't wait. I hope that once I get settled into my own place with my own routine I will be able to put an end to the comfort eating. Until then, I'm not trying really hard stop myself. I need something to lift my spirits after all. I just hope I don't put on too much weight in the next week or so.

cast

Bobby - my neighbor (three blocks!) and the roommate of one of my best friend's boyfriend.

Katie - my dog, a.k.a. the best dog in the world.

Madison - my best girlfriend and roommate from college.

William - my ex-boyfriend. I moved to New York from down South, leaving him, our home together, and warm weather behind. I love him. He says he loves me, but it's complicated. He's not ready for a relationship at this point, and I'm not ready to be "just friends."

is he trying to tell me something?

William's aunt passed away this week. The day after I sent him the email, his aunt with cancer passes. So much for breaking up alone.

I called him several times yesterday because I was concerned about him. His family is so close, and while his aunt hasn't been doing too well, no one expected this. She's been undergoing treatment for cancer the past month, preparing for a bone marrow transplant. Everyone seemed to be really optimistic about her condition. This is all so sudden.

I finally got a hold of William in the afternoon. We didn't talk long because he had to get back to work. He said that he would call me later.

Then it's later, and I'm ready to go to bed. Still no phone call. I call him once. Then again. He picks up from the bar. He went for drinks after work, but it's 10 p.m. now. He apologizes for not calling me. I start crying. He apologizes again, and I tell him that it's OK. I just wanted to check in to make sure he was doing all right.

That was yesterday. No phone call today.

I want to be there for him. I love him--and his family. I want to be a part of them, and I guess this is the problem. He hasn't called me back. This should tell me something, right? Maybe I just need to take the hint, but I can't help but continue to hope that he does want to be with me. I need help.

i don't like the new girl

It's been a long day at work.

I moved up to New York almost three months ago to take a new position within my company. I wanted to move. I've wanted to move up here ever since I studied abroad in Shanghai. I figured that New York was the closest I would get to living in Shanghai again, and I loved Shanghai.

My first couple of weeks at work were hard. My responsibilities were more than I was used to, the place was completely unorganized, and my co-workers weren't the most welcoming bunch. When friends would ask, "So, how's the new job going?" I would respond, "It's like they threw me down a well and told me to climb my way out."

I feel like I've finally made it out of the dark, cold water and am standing on fairly solid ground now. Finally. It only took close to three months. Now that all is settling, I have a new problem. Our team recently got a new player, who doesn't play as a team player. Not with me anyway.

Madison says it's because I'm not nice to her. Apparently I wear my discontent on both sleeves and show it all over my face. What can I say? I don't respect her yet. She came to us without any kind of leadership experience, and she hasn't proven anything to me since she arrived. At this point, I'm thinking, "Why the hell don't I have her job?" When I first arrived in the New York office, I got a whole speech about how I had to prove myself. Does that not apply to every new employee?

I guess I'm being too hard on her. I really need to soften up. That's the goal for tomorrow. Be more welcoming to the new girl, because we're all the new girl at some point.

breaking up isn't a two player game

My most recent, old boss made a very interesting point about why breakups are so difficult to handle.

"Up until this time, you and your partner have done everything together. The good and the bad. You worked it all out together, but you can't go through the breakup together."

And that is where I am now. I'm in a breakup alone, and I'm really trying to figure out how being alone works. I've been in a serious relationship for the past seven years. What do I know about being single? Nothing. But I guess it's my time to learn.

Lesson one: how not to cry every other minute. I'm hoping that the whole going the breakup alone plan will help with this.

---

hey william,

i got your message yesterday. i'm sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. i meant to respond sooner.

thanks for the phone call. i'm glad i'm on your mind. you're on mine.

while i would love to talk to you and hear all about your week and tell you all about mine, i still don't know that it's a good idea right now. our conversation last week was difficult for me. i don't know that i can just be your friend right now, and i don't think it's healthy for me to talk to you like i'm ok, because i'm not ok. i also don't think it's healthy for me to continually tell you that i'm not ok, so with that in mind, i think we both just need some time. i'm not sure what that means right now, but i'm not ready to talk to you this week.

i got an envelope with mail in it yesterday, and your note really made me smile. thank you. i hung it up on the bulletin board at my desk and the little man smiles back at me every day.

katie is doing well. she's going to the vet on saturday for her annual exam and shots. do you remember how bob was with squirrels? well, katie has found the hunter in her, but she hunts rats instead. she can spot them from a block away. she lunges at them and tries to kill them. it's kind of funny.

i'm scheduled to move into my apartment not this weekend but next weekend. i hope it all works out.

thank you again for the phone call. i appreciate you checking in, and your message made me smile. i hope all is well at the nature center, and i hope you are having a wonderful week.

love, ew

write and never look back

And here we are at the end of day two. I guess it's really only been one day, 24 hours, since I started the blog, but I consider myself to be in the second day.

My plan from here on out is to write and not look back. For the most part anyway. I will proofread but only to an extent. I will search for typographical errors because I think it's lazy not to, but I will not alter my words for fear of sounding bad, stupid, or incorrect. I will write as best I can to communicate my honest thoughts and emotions.

In doing this, I hope to learn more about myself and to figure out the things that will ultimately make me happy.

---

As a side note, I tried this Kiss My Face shower gel this morning, and it totally made my back break out. Highly NOT recommended.

emma loves

1. Singing loudly to Broadway musicals. I've always wanted to be a singing, dancing, acting star.
2. Dancing around my apartment to songs on my "Happy Music for Me" playlist while no one is looking.
3. Food of all kinds.
4. Designing new websites and learning more about programming.
5. Super sunshiny days.
6. Tulips.
7. Sweating.
8. Sleeping in a cold room while wrapped warmly in a big down comforter.
9. Lots of pillows on my bed.
10. Fireplaces and the heat that fires produce.
11. Hiking.
12. Taking road trips alone/taking road trips with good friends.
13. Shiny finger and toenails.
14. Pink cheeks.
15. The idea of playing with makeup, but not actually using it. I don't quite know how.
16. Dresses, skirts, and high heels.
17. T-shirts, jeans, and flip-flops.
18. Live, loud music.
19. Piano bars.
20. Hosting and entertaining others. I wish I could throw more parties.
21. Window-shopping for lingerie that I will never buy.
22. Big earrings.
23. Dogs. I love dogs.
24. My first, real, office job boss because she's the funniest person I've ever worked with.
25. Gmail and all other Google services.
26. Photographs.
27. Making stuff. Arts 'n' crafts projects are the best.
28. Smiling and smiles.
29. Pens, markers, and crayons. Scissors too.
30. Cheesy romantic comedies. I want a love life good enough for the movies.
31. Keeping tabs on my friends' lives by reading their blogs daily.
32. Slate's Everyday Economics articles.
33. Candles that smell like cookies, cakes, and brownies.
34. Riding metro trains.
35. Rooibos tea (loose leaf only) by the pot with milk and sugar. I love tea when it is served in a matching tea set (cups, saucers, sugar bowl, and milk cup) and enjoyed outside on a patio at a small, round café style table.
36. Bar talk with the girls.
37. The Bad Girl's Guide series.
38. Catching up with Madison every evening after I get off work.
39. My laptop Indiana, and bringing it with me where ever I go.
40. Staple guns, power drills, and other such tools.
41. Hearing stories about other people's lives.
42. Browsing homemade websites.
43. Biscotti, especially the chocolate kinds.
44. Wearing my college ring.
45. Giving people gifts.
46. Making homemade music videos.
47. Practicing Chinese.
48. Trying on fancy dresses with no intention of buying them.
49. Memories of summer camp.
50. Maps.
51. Walking and riding bikes.
52. Yoga and dance classes.
53. Summer clothing.
54. Water.
55. Cutting coupons.
56. Thumbing through the Sunday paper advertisements. Target's weekly ad is my favorite.
57. Bicycles with baskets filled with groceries or flowers.
58. Doggie kisses.
59. Wearing boy's basketball shorts.
60. Sleeping in freshly washed sheets, naked after having just showered.
61. Airports.
62. People touching me. Massages. Human contact.
63. Being bare foot.
64. Using telephone headsets.
65. Being in charge.
66. Speaking in front of large audiences. Running meetings. Emceeing events. That kind of thing.
67. Watching Katie run around at the dog park.
68. Getting lost in the city on foot or in my car.
69. Friendly sales people who don't try to sell me anything.
70. Florida perks like the beach, people who are paid to smile at you, and Disney World.
71. Smiles from strangers on the street. Friendly smiles, not creepy ones.
72. People with manners.
73. Iced Caramel Macchiatos.
74. Unlimited use metro cards.
75. The smell of stuffed animals and blankets from my childhood.
76. Rain storms.
77. Smiling and/or laughing babies.
78. Being outdoors. Taking naps underneath the shade of big trees is the best.
79. Sending and receiving snail mail.
80. The way autumn feels when it's just beginning.
81. The way a song or a smell can instantly transport me back to a past experience and help me recall a lost memory.
82. Surprise phone calls from loved ones just to let me know that they're thinking about me.
83. My Sonicare toothbrush. The one Madison got me for my 23rd birthday.
84. Traveling.
85. Fine coffees and teas.
86. Sharp and stinky cheeses.
87. Polite children who say "please," "thank you," and "excuse me."
88. Watching people dance.
89. Surprises.
90. Birthdays.
91. Christmas trees, Christmas carols, Christmas parties, and Christmas food.
92. Dark chocolate truffles.
93. Taking and editing photos.
94. Funfetti cupcakes.
95. Shorts, swimwear, and bare skin in the sunshine.
96. Cooking.
97. Unexpected calls, emails, or letters from friends.
98. Comments on my blog.
99. Clean bathrooms.
100. Sharing.
101. Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain.
102. Glossy Magazines.
103. Sex and the City, Friends, Grey's Anatomy, and Ugly Betty.
104. Smart people.
105. Wearing my moccasins around the house.
106. Free furniture on the streets of New York.
107. Cobble Hill, Brooklyn.
108. Frisbee dogs.

about emma

Emma Wilkerson is a 24-year-old girl who loves sunshine, dogs, and loud music. Currently living the dream that is NYC, she wishes were somewhere lost in the woods, on a boat, or lying on a beach anywhere in the Florida Keys. While fame and stardom have always been her dream, the desire to lose herself out in the country has pushed its way to the center of her thoughts, and she is now not only swimming in the sea of quarterlife crisis, but unsure of how to find her way back to land. Praying for the best, Emma hopes that she will find her happiness soon.

---

Don't you just love writing about yourself in the third person? Formulating the perfect sentences to describe yourself to complete strangers. You want to seem likeable, relatable, interesting--but you worry that you are none of those things. Yeah, I hate writing about myself too.

For me, writing about myself is difficult because I don't really know myself. Sounds bizarre I know. I am me. How can I not know me? I always thought that I had a good sense of self, until I found myself single for the first time in seven years and in a whirlwind of life changing events that left me standing with no one but my dog by my side. And even that wasn't always comforting, because let me tell you, NYC does not like dogs.

As a recent college graduate, facing the world alone is tough. I don't have a single friend who is adjusting well, myself included. And while we have each other, we really are in it alone, forced to make life-changing decisions as adults.

I've never lived for me and figuring out how to is proving to be a harder task than I would have thought. With no boyfriend to look after and my college days behind me, I look in the mirror every morning wondering who I am and what I want. I don't know the answers to those questions just yet, but hopefully, I will figure them out soon.

because i wanted to scream

That's why I started this blog--because I wanted to scream. Scratch that. I want to scream. I want to scream, and I want to cry. Wait, no. Actually, I don't want to scream, and I don't want to cry. I want to smile and laugh and be carefree. The problem is that I do scream, and I do cry, and I can't seem to find my happy place. That's why I started this blog--because I want to find my happy place, and I'm hoping that this will help me find it.