time to hope

I spoke with William yesterday for about 30 minutes before bed. It was a nice conversation about his aunt passing, my brother heading out for bootcamp, and how going to the grocery store isn't fun with his roommates ("strangers" he calls them) but is fun with me.

Today, 24 hours later, I'm still thinking about the phone call and how I wish I could talk to him every day. Correction, how I wish I could be with him every day. And because I can't get him out of my mind, I am ever more convinced that we can't be friends. Not now anyway. I need to move on because he is moving on.

With the death of his aunt, I can't help but question why we are both moving on. Why? I love him. He says he loves me, and time seems so short.

But he needs time. Things just got too bad. He upset me, and I upset him back. I pushed him too far away. He needs time to find his way back.

He sent me a text message a couple of weeks ago after we had our last discussion about "us." He asked how I knew what was going to happen in the future. I said that I didn't know, but I hoped. I hoped for us to be together. I hoped that we would find our way back to dinner in our kitchen, long walks with our dog, and adventures in growing old--together. He sent me a text message that night before he went to sleep that said, "I do hope." Why are we both wasting our time hoping when we could be working on making us work?

is he trying to tell me something?

William's aunt passed away this week. The day after I sent him the email, his aunt with cancer passes. So much for breaking up alone.

I called him several times yesterday because I was concerned about him. His family is so close, and while his aunt hasn't been doing too well, no one expected this. She's been undergoing treatment for cancer the past month, preparing for a bone marrow transplant. Everyone seemed to be really optimistic about her condition. This is all so sudden.

I finally got a hold of William in the afternoon. We didn't talk long because he had to get back to work. He said that he would call me later.

Then it's later, and I'm ready to go to bed. Still no phone call. I call him once. Then again. He picks up from the bar. He went for drinks after work, but it's 10 p.m. now. He apologizes for not calling me. I start crying. He apologizes again, and I tell him that it's OK. I just wanted to check in to make sure he was doing all right.

That was yesterday. No phone call today.

I want to be there for him. I love him--and his family. I want to be a part of them, and I guess this is the problem. He hasn't called me back. This should tell me something, right? Maybe I just need to take the hint, but I can't help but continue to hope that he does want to be with me. I need help.

breaking up isn't a two player game

My most recent, old boss made a very interesting point about why breakups are so difficult to handle.

"Up until this time, you and your partner have done everything together. The good and the bad. You worked it all out together, but you can't go through the breakup together."

And that is where I am now. I'm in a breakup alone, and I'm really trying to figure out how being alone works. I've been in a serious relationship for the past seven years. What do I know about being single? Nothing. But I guess it's my time to learn.

Lesson one: how not to cry every other minute. I'm hoping that the whole going the breakup alone plan will help with this.

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hey william,

i got your message yesterday. i'm sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. i meant to respond sooner.

thanks for the phone call. i'm glad i'm on your mind. you're on mine.

while i would love to talk to you and hear all about your week and tell you all about mine, i still don't know that it's a good idea right now. our conversation last week was difficult for me. i don't know that i can just be your friend right now, and i don't think it's healthy for me to talk to you like i'm ok, because i'm not ok. i also don't think it's healthy for me to continually tell you that i'm not ok, so with that in mind, i think we both just need some time. i'm not sure what that means right now, but i'm not ready to talk to you this week.

i got an envelope with mail in it yesterday, and your note really made me smile. thank you. i hung it up on the bulletin board at my desk and the little man smiles back at me every day.

katie is doing well. she's going to the vet on saturday for her annual exam and shots. do you remember how bob was with squirrels? well, katie has found the hunter in her, but she hunts rats instead. she can spot them from a block away. she lunges at them and tries to kill them. it's kind of funny.

i'm scheduled to move into my apartment not this weekend but next weekend. i hope it all works out.

thank you again for the phone call. i appreciate you checking in, and your message made me smile. i hope all is well at the nature center, and i hope you are having a wonderful week.

love, ew